I think this is a great topic for a first post. Who am I? Sometimes I ask myself this very question. Well for this blogs purpose, I am Shadow Moon. No that’s not my real name, but a variation of my spiritual name.
First let me tell you a little about myself. I grew up in a small town in Utah. A small town with one dominant religion often forced upon others because well, that’s what happens when the majority rules. I grew up in a home that was not active in the Mormon church, well save one sister who is still very active. My grandparents were active, my grandfather even served as bishop of the local church branch during the earliest years of my life. My parents however, were totally inactive church members by time I came into the world. My father had stopped going to the Mormon church when he was 15 years old, and my mother on and off during her teen years, mostly to suit her parents. When I was old enough to start asking questions, my parents had no other options than to teach me of the gospel that they grew up with, and thus, I was forced throughout much of my youth to attend the Mormon church on a regular basis. At the age of 8 years old, in Mormonism, you have the opportunity of officially becoming a member by baptism. And while I never really understood what that meant, next thing I know, I’m being dunked under the water and some prayer being muttered by a man I barely knew and about 50 of my closest friends and family watching. I was uncomfortable then…. and to think back, it still feels wrong. But I was eight years old, and what does an eight year old know about choosing a religion? They said I’d feel the spirit after that, but I can honestly say, I still don't understand what this meant. The only thing I felt was confusion, and a horribly uncomfortable out of place feeling each time my mom dropped me off on Sunday morning for service. I wasn’t a bad kid… It wasn’t a guilty feeling (tho that might come later in my teen years – lol) For the next, 4 years I would feel awkward, uncomfortable and out of place. I believe at one point in time, I expressed my discontent for regular Sunday service. And as I began to “not want to go” more and more, eventually, my parents respected that decision.
Somewhere around age 13, I found myself drawn to anything that had to do with nature. I was fascinated by Earth Science. and I guess it really went beyond that, I was drawn to the night sky as well… most importantly the moon. I started studying anything and everything that had to do with these subjects. I never understood why I loved this stuff so much until much later… and I’m still a sucker for the subjects! What relevance does this have? You’ll find out later in this blog… guess you’ll have to keep checking back!
At 14, one night while sleeping on the couch, I had a ghostly experience. This started me looking into things that were paranormal. My paternal grandfather built this old house that I live in. He built it the year I was born in fact, 1979. He passed away suddenly from a Heart Attack when I was barely 3 years old. I don’t remember him much. I remember spending time at his house with grandma and him bouncing me on his knee calling me “bones”. I didn’t have much of an appetite back then. I was sickly, and always on the verge of starving to death because I wouldn’t eat anything. I dont remember what he looks like. The only thing I can remember is going to his funeral. I was 3, I dont remember much, I remember my sisters cried a lot. And I remember his hands as he lay in the casket, fingers intertwined and a gold band on his ring finger, with his wrist watch on the right wrist. The particular night of my experience I’m not sure why I was sleeping on the couch. I remember waking up to the sound of wind and getting a chill. I sat up, to rearrange my blanket and felt a presence. As I looked toward the kitchen, the moon was shining through the window on the back door and I saw him. A Man. Standing in the kitchen doorway between the living room and the kitchen, seemingly watching me. I froze. But in an instant, as quickly as I noticed it, he was gone. I never told anyone about what I saw that night. But I did end up on my parents bedroom floor because I was kind of frightened by it. It wasn’t until months later while thumbing through a photo album that I recognized one of the men in a family camping picture. The man I saw that night was my grandfather. What he was doing there, I don't know. I’ve seen him one other time since that night, but that time came much later in life.
At the age of 15, I’m not sure how, I discovered the Wiccan religion. I believe I was reading something about the Celts at my time of discovery. I was totally drawn into learning everything and anything I could get my hands. on. I mostly hid this from my parents, I didn’t want them to think I was crazy. About this same time, my mother had been called by the Bishop of our LDS ward to serve as a teacher on Sundays. So, you can probably guess what that meant? I was having to keep her company and attend church again as well. This time around, I really struggled. I knew at this point in my life that what the church was teaching and what I believed were two entirely different things. But out of respect for my mother, I attended church with her most of the time….
Until that one dreadful Sunday that I will never ever forget. The Sunday after which, I never ever went back to church again. It may seem silly, but when you’re 16 years old and you’re a hormonal teenage girl with a range of emotions beyond any scale of belief it was horrible. I was sitting in Sunday School class with a group of peers. I remember it like it was yesterday. I didn't have any scripture books with me that day. I’d forget them on purpose. I hated reading out loud back then, let alone scripture. All the Ye’s and Yea’s, Behold, and Comeths, etc etc. I have a tendency to read ahead of myself, so reading aloud didn’t go well or me back then. Also, and you’d never guess it today, I was horribly shy. After all, I was the outcast, and this was a group of mixed boys and girls my age who I had to see every day at school. So I’d conveniently forget my scripture books on purpose so I wouldn’t have to read aloud. On this particular Sunday, the teacher decided quite adamantly that I was going to be the one to say class prayer. I was asked by the teacher: “Young Lady, will you please give the opening prayer?”. With a polite shy smile I replied “No thanks sir, I’d rather not.” thinking that’d be the end of it and hoping he’d go on. This was not the case. He took it upon himself to try to be my spiritual savior that day. Honestly, he really did revise his ENTIRE lesson plan based off my response. The next half hour of my life was a living hell when he announced that “by not saying the prayer like asked, you are denying god”. I wasn’t denying anything. In fact, I thought I was quite respectful to sit through his guilt riddled lessons each week. Scripture reference after scripture reference was read. My peers were staring at me. and I was embarrassed. By about the third story and seventh scripture about how I was going to go to “outer darkness” for denying god in his church in front of everyone I got up and I walked out and I never set foot back in that church again.
Word quickly spread through the peer network of my heathen ways at church. My friends who had been my friends since I was 5 years old, didn’t want to hang out with me anymore. In fact, some stopped talking to me altogether. I dropped out of LDS Seminary (my mother made me sign up for my Freshman year of high school). Well that didn’t make me any more friends, I in fact lost a few more. Unless you’ve lived in a small highly Mormon community in Utah… and you’re the outcast, you’re probably not going to understand where I’m coming from. There was literally only a handful of us who “didn’t belong”.
I threw myself into learning more and more about Paganism, Wicca, Celtic Traditions and beliefs. By time I was 17 years old, I had taken my spiritual name. I was still kind of in the “broom closet” though so to speak. My parents didn’t agree with all that I believed in , but they respected it, and I respected them. My grandparents however, still have hopes for me in their spiritual realm, and I don't disrespect them by putting their church down. On and off, I’ve always been drawn to different religions. I’ve explored various beliefs, but I’m always drawn back to Wicca. This continued for the next several years. I’ll continue to share what I’ve learned throughout this blog.
When I met my husband, the first question he asked was what Denomination i was. I really couldn’t answer. I was baptized Mormon… but it’s not what I believed. I was scared to tell him that because i never really knew what he’d believe… and it had been in my experience with friends that once they find out, they don't want anything to do with me anymore. He wasn’t this way. I think one reason I love him most is his tolerance for religious beliefs. My husband claims to be Nondenominational. He has no religion. He too is baptized in the Mormon church…. but he actually does not believe in Organized Religion… if any religion at all. He a scientist… all logic. So god or a goddess doesn’t really fit into his realm of beliefs. But he’s a tolerant individual and like me, loves to learn about what others believe. He’s amazing, and I couldn’t ask for anyone better.
I’ve recently reignited my love for the old ways again. Over the last couple years, especially since the passing of my mother. I had another interesting paranormal experience that was pretty close to my heart. It reminded me that Wicca was always something I found comfort in. And while i’m not ready to come completely out of the broom closet, I want to share with you what I have learned over the years… and hope you can gain a better understanding of what is FACT and what is FICTION. A better understanding of my beliefs. A glimpse into my life and how I have coped and dealt with things and how it has helped me do so. And overall a better understanding of the overall pagan belief system.
In Wicca, you create a book of shadows. I book of spells, blessings, poems, thoughts, ideas, knowledge etc, much like a journal. The following posts will be my Blog Of Shadows … please respect my journey and the information within.. and I hope that just maybe, you can gain a better understanding and tolerance for others beliefs :)
Love & Light,
Shadow Moon
